ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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