yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
