I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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