i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
