At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
