did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
