Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
