did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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