I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
