kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
