He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
