she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
not ubering you a puppy
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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