Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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