Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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