my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
be right there i have to get my cape
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
