all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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