i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
operation harelip BJ is a go
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My feet surprised me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
