you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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