I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
