im having a threesome with these popsicles
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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