Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
