it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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