If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I booty called her while she was in labor.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
