My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
