You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
