I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
