I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
