I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Please don't give away my fajitas
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
