Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
