My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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