woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
