saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
