**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
