SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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