I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
