Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
