Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
