I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
