She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
