after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
