i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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