new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
