At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
