I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
