mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
