So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
