i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am one with the molecules
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
