I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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