Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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