ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
