You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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